World's Worst Blogger...But World's Greatest Mom

It’s been a year since my last blog. I do believe I am the WORLD’S WORST BLOGGER!!!!!! I set a goal last year- I want to be a full time writer, so I made a plan to WRITE. And I did write. On average, I wrote about one blog a year. I don’t know a lot about blogging, but I don’t think that’s very good. But that’s ok because last weekend I was declared the WORLD’S GREATEST MOM!!!!! I obvi don’t have time to blog because I am too busy being World’s Greatest Mom!!

Last week Machen used his own money to buy me a World’s Greatest Mom trophy. Surely, I deserve this title if I have raised such a thoughtful, loving, and caring young man!! And if I were to post this pic on my Instagram, my caption would be-

“World’s Greatest Mom! Thank you, buddy!! Being your mom has been my greatest blessing and such a joy!”

He bought this with his own money…that I gave him…from my wallet.

He bought this with his own money…that I gave him…from my wallet.

But let’s get real, people. This ain’t Instagram. This is my blog. And today’s blog is brought to you by Transparent Thursday (I just made that up- but Transparent Thursday should totally be a thing...And as long as it’s Transparent Thursday, I might as well tell you this too...this year I started tucking my night shirt into my underwear when I sleep. And it has changed my life. ).

So let’s get transparent about this whole World’s Greatest Mom thing. This thoughtful, loving, and caring young man that bought me this trophy is the same thoughtful, loving, caring young man that wanted to take me to court and sue me for sole custody of himself three months ago.

What was my offense that prompted his declaration? I wouldn’t go upstairs and say his prayers with him. Before you tar and feather me, just know that his prayers before bed range anywhere from 45-75 minutes. And that is no joke. If you have ever been in contact with Machen at any time, I promise he has prayed for you, your mama, your dog, and your dead grandma all in an effort to delay bedtime. I know his game...and so does Jesus! I was tired, and I really wanted him to go upstairs so I could sneak and eat the last of the Butter Pecan Ice Cream and watch Riverdale. So I said no to prayers, ok people. I said no to Jesus and yes to Blue Bell. I’m pretty sure that disqualifies me for the World’s Greatest Mom (and if that doesn’t do it, one time I threw a frozen chicken at Kyleigh in a rage blackout, so there’s that).

So I said no to prayers, and that’s when he informed me that he was going to sue me for custody of himself because I am an “unfit, Godless mother.” I told him he’d have a hard time proving that in a court of law, wished him luck, sent him upstairs, and then fixed myself that bowl of ice cream.

Now fast forward a week or two after I said no to prayers...Machen and I were driving down the road and he nonchalantly asks me “Mama, what would be a good reason why a kid would be removed from his mom.” Random questions are kind of his thing, so it didn’t phase me, and I responded, “I guess if the mama smoked crack.” And then without skipping a beat, he moved on to his next random question “Does an American dog understand a Spanish dog’s bark?”

I’m Barklingual!

I’m Barklingual!

Almost a full month later, I was sitting on the couch and Machen approached me with a bundled up pair of pajama pants in his hands. He sat down beside me, and we had a conversation that went something like this…

Machen: “Mama, have you ever done drugs?”

Me: “No.”

Machen: “What about in college?”

Me: “No.”

Machen: “Is that a lie?”

Me: “Go interview Brett.”

Machen: “Mama, seriously. Have you ever smoked crack? It’s ok to be honest, this is a safe place...Just speak clearly into the pajamas please.”

And that’s when it dawned on me, yall. HE WAS RECORDING ME FROM HIS IPOD IN HIS PAJAMAS!!!!!! HE HAD BEEN BUILDING HIS CASE AGAINST ME FOR MONTHS, TRYING TO PROVE I WAS AN UNFIT MOTHER!!!! THAT SMOKED CRACK!!

Do I have a World’s Greatest Mom trophy sitting in my bedroom? Yes. Did the same son who bought me the trophy try to entrap me into confessing a crack addiction so that I wouldn’t have to be his mom anymore? Yes. And that pretty much sums up parenting, folks.

And PS… According to Psychology Today, virtually all dogs can understand the barks of other dogs regardless of where they come from. However, the way people hear a dog's bark wildly differs depending on the language they speak and the culture they've grown up in...and if their mama smokes crack.


I bet he’s wearing a wire.

I bet he’s wearing a wire.